Saturday, September 4, 2010

Reunited and it feels so good...

I decided I was going to get back into the routine of blogging again like I used to, not just updating bits here and there with months in between. And I figured the first step is to redo my layout and update everything else on my page that hasn't been updated in a year! Yes, I know it's early for Halloween layouts, but I love Halloween and I love Fall and I didn't have the patience to wait! Besides, the black kitty on the layout looks like the new addition to our family, Bauer. I put a picture of her on this post (it's not great, but it's the best I got at this point), because I thought it was fitting with my new layout. :)

I have to admit that part of the reason I feel the desire to spend time on my blog today is that Dave took the boys to Prescott and left me alone for the first time in FOREVER (or it feels like forever...really it's just been many months). WOO HOO! I have to say that since I never get to be at home alone, I am loving the peace, quiet, and solitude. I got to take a shower and actually get ready afterward without kids getting into all the bathroom stuff and feeling rushed, I got to prepare my lesson for church tomorrow without ANY INTERRUPTIONS, and I get to sit here and play on the computer. I thought I'd use this alone time to write or work on my query letter, but I just didn't feel like it, which is surprising.

I realized too that in my blogging absence, I haven't posted anything about my pregnancy at all! So here's a rundown: I am 21 weeks along and we found out 2 weeks ago that we are having our THIRD BOY (Due 1/11/11)! And wow...I'm not going to lie; I was holding out for that girl that I know is out there somewhere, and I was definitely a little disappointed. It's hard to explain, because I wasn't sad about the boy, or depressed by any means...I was happy about it, but at the same time disappointed, if that makes any sense. But I am really excited to have another little guy because I love my boys so much, and though I will be even more out-numbered than now (4 against 1), I have to admit I love that. I actually will love being the only chic...for now. And I love that my boys can be the Three Amigos and be close. Another big plus is that we already have all the boy stuff (even though I was looking forward to buying all the girlie stuff...)! So, yes I know there is a girl out there and I will get her some day, but right now I am so excited to meet this little guy!

He moves like CRAZY. I swear, he never stops. He moves more than either Sam or Josh moved, and I thought Sam moved a lot! My pregnancy is going well, considering. I do have pretty horrible back issues that flare up at the end of my pregnancies and, unfortunately, already started flaring up halfway through with this one. I have many other issues of pain down there, and even experience contractions quite often already, too, but really, other than being stiff and miserable most of the time (I say most because I'm trying to be positive...hehe), it's going extremely well and I can only feel blessed. So far, everything is going the way it's supposed to and everything is at the right size and in the right place. I'm just excited to get this little guy out of me and start the addition to our family!

A thing I struggle with, especially lately for some reason (probably those darned pregnancy hormones) is self-esteem because of what pregnancy does to your body...and I feel like it's just torn me apart and left me with a distorted body and flabby...well...everything. But I've been really trying to place all the expectations of society and the media aside and accept that having a baby has actually made me more beautiful. I have given live to three of God's children and what is more beautiful than that?

I tell you that nothing is. I feel so privileged and special to be blessed with these wonderful spirits and to have been able to nurture them and bond with them, that I wouldn't trade the best body in the world for this. After all, this is why we are on this earth as women, right--to bear God's children. And what a blessing it is! I don't take it for granted at all...

Not even when I'm laying lifeless on the couch because I can't move as the kids trash the house around me. It's all about sacrifice, right? My kids better thank me some day for all I go through to bring them into the world... ;)

There have been a lot of things going on around us, a lot of unfortunate circumstances with friends, or health problems with friends and family that really have us looking at life differently, and it's hard not to get down. It's hard not to ever think, "I'm done having kids after this, because why would I want to bring children into this unforgiving world???" But unfortunately, this is life, and though I question with "why does this happen to this person" a lot, there is nothing we can do about it and we will never have all the answers. All we can do is get through this life like intended, prove ourselves and strive for faith--which at a lot of times feels non-existent, I admit.

But even in all these things happening around us and to us, and through all the wavering, I do love my Heavenly Father and this gospel, and am so appreciative to Him and our Savior. I don't get it sometimes, I don't have answers, but I do have to strive to have faith and know that He is at the helm--no matter how bleak. I am SO extremely blessed, and I pray I will never lose sight of that. I have the most wonderful husband and children I could have ever asked for, a family I never before thought I deserved. We are healthy and well (for the most part) and provided for in so many ways. I am grateful everyday for the blessings we have and how fortunate we really are.

And to anyone who I might have been cold to or offended at all, I am truly sorry. I'm not always the best kind of friend and don't always have the best things to say (or even know what to say in general sometimes), but I do love you all and you each have made an impact on my life that I will never forget.

1 comment:

Coltharp Golden Years! said...

I'm so blessed to have an awesome daughter like you! Thanks for sharing your feelings and thoughts about Motherhood and other precious things. I love you! Mom