Rockin' The Baby Bumps

*Post linked to Shell's "Rockin' the Bump" post at Things I Can't Say.

I was always the pregnant one who would get told things like, "It looks like you swallowed a basketball!" or "Man, you're huge!" or "You're about to pop!" and my favorite (especially on my third)...

"Are you SURE you're not having twins?!"

This was especially uplifting when I'd get this comment in my second trimester.

And just like how all my labors were completely different with each child, I carried them all differently, too. But mostly, having practically no torso, the only way the baby had to go was straight out.

Here's me in labor with Sam, my first. This was right before we left for the hospital.

Here's me at about six months with my second, Josh. I know, I was huge for six months. And no, I don't have any other pictures of me later in the pregnancy. I wasn't as keen on taking baby bump pictures with my second and third.

And this is at about 8 months with my third, Luke. I wish it was a little more sideways so you could see just how much I actually stuck out, but I was huge. I promise.

And just so that everyone knows, you do get bigger quicker with each pregnancy. Just an example, this is me at 8 weeks with my third...YES, EIGHT WEEKS!

Did I mention how much I loved the twin comments?

24 Hours and Counting!

Well, 24 hours from now I will be arriving at the Birthing Center, getting ready for who knows what. I'm not gonna lie--I'm extremely nervous, just for the fact that I have NO idea what to expect. It could all go a million different ways. What I want to have happen (besides automatically going into labor all on my own right when I arrive...) is I get right in, they start me, and right away my body knows what to do and I have a somewhat quick labor and smooth delivery--without an epidural.

BUT this is life. And if we all know one lesson of life it's that life almost never turns out the way you want. Even though my OB told me the schedule that day is pretty free and clear, I could go in and find that they are too full to induce me and they might send me home (my OB gave me a lot of different scenarios, just so that I'm seeing it realistically and can be prepared for anything). Or I could go in for my scheduled induction at nine a.m. and end up waiting around until four in the afternoon before they even have a place for me. Or they could start me and my body might not respond to the pitocin and I might be sitting there hooked up to it for twenty-four hours before anything happens. And if that's the case (and I don't have the baby until Friday), that just means one more night in the hospital and one more night that someone has to watch our kids.

And then there's the other million things that can go not as expected--the things that can happen whether you're induced or go into labor naturally. OR, OR, OR....

But I think out of all of it, the thing I'm dreading the most is the epidural. After talking to so many people who have shared their stories with me of when they were induced, it just seems like it might be somewhat unavoidable. Like I've said before, I don't think an epidural is evil or bad or anything like that, and I have an open enough mind to accept the fact that I just might need one--and that's okay.

But when I compare my two previous labor experiences--one with it and one without it--it's just not even a competition. Hands down, my experience without it was SO much better, and I would love to have that repeated. With the epidural it lengthened my labor, I had horrible side effects afterward (an allergic reaction of sorts), I felt out of control not being able to feel anything down there, Dave had to hold my legs because they were like Jell-o...etc. There were just so many reasons that make me, personally, shy away from it.

When I did it naturally, everything went quickly and effectively. I loved that I felt in control of my body and could actually feel what was happening, thus allowing me to work WITH my body to deliver the baby. I loved that I felt normal right after the baby was born. I loved that I could get up and pee on my own right afterward, and even walk to my own recovery room. I loved that Josh was alert and breastfed right away (which, I know, might not have to do with it, but still...). And, honestly, I simply loved the euphoria of doing it without medication. The high it provided and the accomplishment I felt was worth it all, and provided something better than pain relief for me.

So do I pray and hope that I can do it that way again? DEFINITELY. And I will still do all I can to try it. But I also know that being induced is completely different than going into labor naturally. When it happens naturally, your body gradually works its way up to the intense, painful contractions (not to mention you can be at home, comfortable, when this is happening). But when you're induced, it starts right of the bat with the intense and painful ones (and from what I hear, seem to be even worse the normal). Plus, it might still take your body a while to actually be far enough along to do anything about it (the doc told me sometimes even twenty-four hours). Which means I could be sitting there, having those horrid, intense, painful contractions for hours on end. AND have to be sitting in a hospital bed, hooked up, while I'm waiting. No walking around, etc.

So I will do my best, but I will also be open to the fact that I just might not be able to handle it without some medication. I just pray for the best, in every aspect. And mostly, more than anything, I just pray that Luke is healthy. I know everything will be fine at the end, no matter the road we had to take to get there, but I'd be lying if I said thinking about the road didn't scare me or stress me out.

I also have to mention how grateful I am to the wonderful people in Bagdad for all their support. We have had so many people in our ward who have offered their help, and that couldn't mean more to us. Not having family here to help this time has been a big stress factor on us (and makes us a little sad), but with all the help from the ward family, that stress has lessened a great deal. I really don't know what we would do without you guys. Tara, for taking our kids the first day and night. Paul and Beth for taking them the second day and night (and offering to watch them even longer if needs be). And Lydia for being the original one to watch them and now has to deal with her own sick family! For all the other offers to watch kids and all the offers for meals and cleaning our house! You guys are all truly angels in our lives and we thank you from the bottom of our hearts!

As an extra emotional, hormonal mom, who has never left her kids with anyone other than family overnight, leaving them with other people has been weighing on my mind a LOT. Worrying about them being happy and okay, worrying about them (mostly Josh) feeling out of their comfort zone because they aren't waking up at their own house, and then being miserable, worrying about this and that... But I trust you all and I know my kids will be fine! You guys have made my worrying and stress MUCH less! So thanks again!

Okay, I'm done with my rant. *Deep breath*

Wish us luck!

I'm dreaming of a white Christmas!

...I really am. Not the soggy, wet, rainy one we've been having all week. But that comes with the territory I guess. A lot to update on! First of all, I want to apologize to everyone for not doing a Christmas card this year. I usually love doing them, but these last couple of months have been sort of crazy and I just didn't have enough time or motivation. So, to everyone out there...MERRY CHRISTMAS! And thanks to everyone who has sent us cards/pictures/newsletters. I absolutely love getting them.

We are getting really excited for Christmas in our house! Anytime we talk about it, Sam gets so giddy he nearly loses his breath! I love it! Christmas just isn't the same when you're an adult, but having little kids who look forward to it brings back some of the same feelings I felt when I was little. I absolutely LOVE that they (mostly Sam) are getting into it. The anticipation of Santa and presents... I just love it. I have had more fun with getting their gifts and wrapping them this year than ever before. It's the first year Sam has actually asked for things and has had an understanding of the holiday and Santa, so it's the first year we will be doing the whole Santa thing.

We are extremely bummed/sad/disappointed that the Meyers will not be with us this year like we thought, but we are going to do our best to replicate the holiday we usually spend with all our family and enjoy it as the tiny family we will be this year, all on our own. We are going to have a little Christmas Eve thing and let the boys open one present (their PJ's of course) and then when they're in bed, "Santa" will come and leave all their presents under the tree.

And I've been talking about the excitement of Santa and presents, but of course we have not forgotten what the season is all about. On Christmas Eve we will be doing a "lesson" about the birth of the Savior and I'm sure, along with all Sam has been learning at church, he will love it.

Speaking of Sam and church, Sam will be starting Sunbeams in two weeks! I cannot believe my BABY will be in Primary! Crazy! He has been going for half the time the past couple of weeks so he can ease into it and the Sunbeams teacher has told us he is one of the most reverent in the class. It doesn't surprise me. Our little Sam has always been so grown-up and seems way too old for nursery now. Josh will miss his brother in there, but he's so independent now I'm sure he will be just fine.

And since this is considered our "Christmas card," I'll give updates on everyone. Josh is still our little runt of a fighter and loves to rough-house. Sam doesn't always appreciate it, but Daddy sure loves it. Hopefully he doesn't try to rough up Luke too much. Between him and the cat, I'm a little worried. But Josh is also very lovable and loves giving hugs and kisses, and loves his fuzzy stuffed elephant he sleeps with every night. One of my favorite things to see is him cuddling and hugging it, just like Sam does with all his "buddies" (his little stuffed animals he carries with him everywhere and sleeps with).

Josh is still extremely slow on his speech. Actually, he has hit a wall and isn't really progressing at all. He says things like "uh-oh" and "ouch," and makes sounds, but he will not say a single word voluntarily, never calls anything by name, and when he does "talk," it's just pointing and a low grunting that all sounds the same. He will only repeat a word you want him to say about 20% of the time, and when he does, most of the time it doesn't even sound like the word. Mostly when you urge him to say even the simplest word, he just does his Joshie grunt.

Last time I talked about this I mentioned one of our concerns was the possibility of fluid in his ears, which is a common thing for little kids who aren't talking. They put tubes in their ears and--wa-la--they start talking. But Josh had his last evaluation two days ago with the Arizona Early Intervention Program to determine the level of his need and they did the hearing test and it came back that Josh hears beautifully, with no interference. So once they get scoring back from their tests, we will determine what he needs done, if any at all. They told me that even without the results, they're pretty sure from their observances that he will need some sort of speech therapy, because it's very clear that he wants to communicate and talk, but can't properly. And by this age, he should be showing some sort of progress. As I mentioned before, he is scoring very high in every other area, which we are happy about, but just needs some help in communication. So we will be finding out the results to that in the next couple days and let everyone know!

The pregnancy is...still going. Physically, I am VERY ready for it to be over. I'm huge and stretched beyond my bounds, can barely move, and have constant feet/hands in my ribs. But in every other way I feel so unprepared. I have absolutely nothing ready that needs to be ready and have SO much to get done in the next two weeks before I deliver. It's actually quite overwhelming, especially because our family has been hit with the wretched flu and it's been making its rounds to each of us, therefore halting my progress on accomplishing anything around the house. There is so much to do, I don't even know where to start. So until I have everything accomplished that needs to be done, I will in no way feel ready to have this baby. So during the next two weeks I will be doing all I can so that when it's time for Luke to come, it's as stress-free as possible!

And yes, I did say two weeks (two weeks from tomorrow, actually). After much contemplation and prayer, we have decided to follow the doctor's urging and get induced. At my appointment yesterday we scheduled it for Thursday, January 6. That's only five days before my due date, and I had both Sam and Josh five days before my due date, so I wanted to do it a couple days before that, just to be safe, but that was the soonest that week that either of my OBs will be available to deliver.

We had a lengthy conversation with my doctor yesterday about the procedure and how it works, and that helped ease my fears a little, since all I had to go on before was other people's opinions, but I am still nervous. Just because every woman is different and every labor is different, and I have no idea how it will go for me or what to expect. I'm hoping that since I'll be at the point I was at when I had my other children, when they break my water my body will be so ready that labor will start immediately...and happen normally and move at a quick pace.

But that's just my prayers. I have no idea what will happen and I do know that anything is possible and I need to be prepared for anything...even a higher amount of pain that could lead me to getting an epidural, which every fiber of my being is turned off to (just going from past experience).

Also, I need to be prepared for the fact that because it's scheduled five days before, I could very likely go into labor on my own before that...which would be GREAT and ideal...IF I could get to the birthing center in time.

For any of you who don't know why I was thinking about induction in the first place, it's because of how far we live from the birthing center/hospital. The hospital used to be about an hour and fifteen minutes away, but since I've had Josh the birthing center moved and now it's almost a two hour drive. When I went into labor with Josh it went very quickly and I made it to the hospital just in time. And those things coupled with the fact that with each baby your labors usually move more quickly, my doctor strongly urged it.

We went back and forth, and for a while I was so set on letting it all happen naturally and when it "wanted" to that I kept telling myself that "as long as I leave at the very first sign of labor, I'll be just fine." But I know women in my situation have said that before and weren't so lucky. So even though I didn't want to "force" labor to start when my body wasn't ready and didn't want to up the chance that I'd need medication, etc., more than anything I don't want to have my baby on the side of the road. So after weighing it out, we realized that the "risks" of induction are far more acceptable than the safety risks of not being able to make it to the birthing center in time.

So that's that. And yesterday we took a tour of the new birthing center and I am extremely impressed. I loved it. SO much better than the old hospital. I love that it's very family oriented and they promote baby staying with mom and dad all the time. They do EVERYTHING in the room with you and only take the baby out for the circumcision (if you want one). It's just one nice room you stay in the whole time (LDR all in one room) and there is even a bed for Dave to sleep on instead of the uncomfortable pull-out chair. I also love their attitude of breastfeeding and their belief that as soon as the baby is born, he needs to be placed skin-to-skin, etc. It's also very quiet and low-stress--quite a different feel from the hospital I gave birth to Josh at. So, all-in-all I'm trying to stay positive and think it will be a good experience!

That's all that's going on with us for now. I will post again after Christmas, most likely with pictures. :)

Thanksgiving in Colorado

We spent this last week or so in Colorado and as usual, it went by way to quick. One minute we were anxiously driving there and the next we were grudgingly driving home. But it was so much fun and so good to spend time with family. It was very needed. The week was really busy and packed full of fun things, like going to the museum, but even the downtime and spending quality time with family at Grandma Culling's cemetery were memorable. We even took the kids to see Santa at the Streets of Southglenn (the picture above).

For Thanksgiving, Dad and Mom Coltharp, Mike and Heather Lee, and Jonah came to the Meyers and we had one giant dinner together. I have to say, personally, that I was a fan of that because I don't usually like going back and forth to two different dinners. But it was lots of fun and the food was fabulous!

We went Black Friday shopping, of course, that night and early the next morning, and though I felt it the day afterward, it was well worth it because we got EVERYTHING on our list. Now the kids' Christmas shopping is done, and even Dave and I got a little something we wanted. I've been wanting a Dyson for years and finally found a good enough deal on one (Yay! Death to our old Bissel!), and Dave, being inspired by his beautiful, talented younger sisters, decided he wanted to take up guitar. So he bought one, and he is determined to learn! He actually has to learn a Christmas song by the time the Meyers come for Christmas in a few weeks. He says he was guilted into it, but he likes having goals. :)

The next few weeks will be crazy busy for me. I have no idea, actually, how I will do all I have to do. I am due in less than 6 weeks (if it goes like the other two), so I have the next 3 weeks to get all the baby stuff ready (I have NOTHING done), then the Meyers will be here (CAN'T WAIT!!), then before I know it, I will be about to pop. Literally. I can't imagine how I will get any bigger than I already am.

Anyway, I was HORRIBLE at taking pictures when in Colorado (I think I took a total of two, and they were of my kids), but thanks to the efforts of other family members, we got some good ones. Here are a few. For more, you can visit my facebook page, where I have many more posted.

At the museum...

Sam LOVED the silly mirror.

Sam telling Santa that he wanted a remote control car for Christmas.

The best family picture we could get, thanks to the cold wind and Josh's crankiness. I know it looks a little awkward. I'm huge.

Mary, Jenni, and Dave playing their guitars (Dave learning).

Mom and Josh in the cemetery.

A New Stage

We have hit a new level in our family life, as we will soon be a family of five (*GULP*). We are no longer a small sedan family. We are now officially a van family. And I feel so old because it was always the "old" people and my parents with the vans...and now it's us. I always swore I'd never own one either. But life happens. They are the most practical for people with ever growing kids and numbers, and instead of being "ashamed," I came to terms with it during the vehicle hunt the past couple of months. And I can honestly say now that I am excited to drive it around because it's the best vehicle I've ever owned. It's a 2009 Kia Sedona with only 17,000 miles on it and I LOVE it. After the hours and hours of research, it is the exact one I wanted that would fit in with our demands and our price all at the same time. Now we can really be ready for little Lucas James in January. I posted a pic of it (along with many other pics) on Facebook.

We've been keeping pretty busy lately. We've been out of town the last four weekends in a row (including when we van shopped) and this weekend, though we will be here, Dave will be keeping busy with the Health Fair at the community campus (since he is in charge of it). Then next weekend Dave is on call so we have to stay here; I can't even get away unless I want to take the kids with me somewhere alone (No thanks...not fond of doing that lately) because I can't leave them with him. The weekend after is Halloween and the Halloween community carnival, and I don't even know if we will be here for that; it all rests on the Stewarts' plans. Then the weekend after that Dave is on call again. Then a couple weekends later, it's COLORADO HERE WE COME!!

The last four weekends we've been gone have been spent with Tiffany and Brand Stewart and kids, and it was a real treat to be able to see them that frequently. One of the weekends (2 ago), we went to Vegas with them and had a blast--even while I was in lots of pain! We got to see Phantom, which I have wanted to do since I was a little girl, and had a blast. We love them and love spending time with them, our Arizona family, and wish the time between visits wasn't usually so long.

Josh and Sam in Vegas with their Krispy Kreme hats on:

Us and the Stewarts in front of the entrance to the Phantom Theater:

For Halloween, Sam has been adamant that he is a dinosaur, so I went to a few places, found nothing, and even ended up buying a tiger costume at Old Navy (last costume in his size there) because I was worried I wouldn't find anything anywhere else--even though Sam threw a fit because he did NOT want to be a tiger. So I finally made it to K-Mart (I always LOVE their Halloween selection) and found the PERFECT dinosaur costume for him. And now he asks every day if it's Halloween yet so he can wear it.

He also asks every day if it's Thanksgiving or Christmas because he knows we are going to Colorado for Thanksgiving and the Meyers are coming here for Christmas. :)

Grandpa Meyers was here for a day last week and Sam just loved having him here. So did Josh. I think I can truly, whole-heartedly say that Josh is finally over his attachment of me and fear of strangers. He now warms up to people really fast and loved giving Grandpa lots of hugs and smiles. He also talked to his "Auntie Jessica" on the phone today, where the only audible words were "Hi" and "Bye." But he thinks everyone can understand his mumbling. :)

Anyway, the night before Grandpa left, Sam told me, "You better not let Grandpa leave mom, or I will cry." So the next morning when he woke up and Grandpa was gone, he got teary-eyed and pouted his lip slightly and said, "I told you I would cry if you let him leave!" It broke my heart. He also said that when the Stewarts left our house a few days before that. He just hates not having his family around. Today he told me he wanted to see Grandpa again. Maybe someday we will know what it's like to live within a close driving distance to our families.

It has been WAY too hot for October, in my opinion, but I know I have said that every year since we've been in Arizona. I miss the Fall SO bad this time of year and try to be reminiscent of it by buying pumpkin spice candles and things, but it's just not the same. Hopefully Halloween won't be hot because the kids' costumes are extremely warm and insulated.

The pregnancy is going...the same. Progressing just as expected. Contractions are more frequent. Pain is more intense. Belly is stretching beyond capacity. Luke is moving more and more, taking up more and more room. And I am loving him more and more, and can't wait to meet him! I want my baby!

With everything going on lately I haven't had much "me time," so I haven't written in a long time. I explain it a little more in my other blog, but basically I think I'm taking a break from the whole dream of being published right now. Not throwing it away, but putting it in a safe place for later. For more details you can check out my writing blog.

Anyway, that's about it for now!

Josh's Urology Report, etc.

WARNING: This post makes frequent mention of the male reproductive organ and the body part it's "housed" in. :)

Josh had his urology appointment in Phoenix this afternoon for his retractile testicles problem (for more info refer to the post about Josh a few more down). It went okay. We didn't really get anywhere new, but basically the urologist isn't concerned because they can feel them and know where they are and can get them down, so he wants us to keep an eye on them for the next six months and if there's no change, we will come back then and go from there.

The only thing they can do is surgery to bring them down and then they fix them permanently in the sack so that they can't "escape" back up. He said we could get it now if we want to, but (and he's also the surgeon) that he isn't really concerned at this point and if it were his own child, he wouldn't do the surgery yet. And as Josh's mom, I don't feel good about it now either. I want to do whatever is best for Joshua and I don't want to jump to any rash actions and cause more trauma to the testicles if he doesn't really need it. So I feel content about waiting.

Dave, however, doesn't know how he feels. He is a little more concerned because of his own history. He had the same problem when he was Josh's age and they kept waiting and waiting, until finally, at the age of three, they fully descended on their own. Then when he was sixteen he got testicular cancer and though they will never know the real cause of it, they said that issue could have been why.

But Dr. Chang (the urologist) said it is highly unlikely that a testicle can get cancer from a retractile problem, since it can spend some of the time in the sack. However, there is speculation out there that if it was a testicle that didn't descend at all for a long time, then because of the extra heat of being up inside the body for so long, cancer could probably form (though they really don't know). So since Josh's are just retractile and can come down, he feels it's highly unlikely. Also, he says they would never let it get to the point where Josh is still having this problem when he's three, like Dave did. He said by that age they should be spending all or most of their time down, and that they would never let it get that far with Josh.

He said they usually like to keep tabs on and check back with the kids that have retractile testicles about every six months to a year, so we decided to take his advice and watch it for the time being. We made an appointment for six months from now to come back and check it further.

Earlier in the appointment the NP said that usually if they haven't fully descended by this age (19 months), they probably won't on their own...but then the doctor says to wait. So I don't know what to think.

I don't really see how that much will change in six months, honestly, especially because over the last year nothing has changed and 98% of the time they are up. But he is the professional so we feel inclined just to kind of take his word for it and wait. And since the idea of jumping into surgery right now feels all wrong to me, I'm okay with that.

We are staying with the Stewarts over this weekend and Dave has a training all week this next week here in Phoenix so I decided to stay here with him, with the kids of course, and use it as a sort of "get away." Plus, I really don't like not having him home, and lately, with the way I've been feeling, being alone all week with the kids is the last thing I want. So we are staying in a suite at the Residence Inn all week and Dave won't have to come back to an empty hotel room every night after his training...and he's pretty happy about that (and no, he's not just saying that). :)

One thing we need to do before the baby is born is buy a new vehicle...which we decided will be a van because that just makes the most logical sense. We don't want to have to buy another vehicle for a long time, so we want one that we can have as we expand our family (yes, I said "expand our family"...even though the idea of baring anymore children after this makes me want to rip my hair out). We don't want to buy a new one because of the cost, but the used one we get we want to be newer, if possible. We really like the Siennas, but we know they can be a little pricey, so we need to start shopping around. I got some great websites and advice about car shopping from my all-knowing brother-in-law, Mike, so I will start there.

Another reason I want to make a jump on it is because we want to go to Colorado for Thanksgiving and spending 28+ hours in our tiny Saturn in my "condition" makes me...well...let's just say I'd rather sit alone in Bagdad while my family has fun in Colorado without me. And that's saying A LOT.

This pregnancy has been really difficult for me, and I thought after my last one it couldn't get worse. But I was SO wrong. I already had spine/lower back problems before I got pregnant and they warned me before I had kids that my pregnancies would be extremely difficult because of it, but I had no idea it would hurt this much and effect the way I feel this much. Every step I take is like torture. And with every step, everything down there--spine, tail bone, pelvis--shifts and grinds together, leaving me with a popping sensation at every movement. I can even hear it when I walk if it's quiet. :)

I also have another problem that's pretty miserable, and also embarrassing, but unfortunately it's a problem that a handful of women get, called varicose veins. And no, I don't mean in my legs. I won't go into detail. If you're really that curious, look it up or ask a doctor. :)

I had these problems when I was pregnant with Josh but they didn't surface until my third trimester, near the end. This time, however, the symptoms started showing when I hit my 19-20 week mark...and by now, 23 weeks, I feel worse than I did at week 39 with Josh. On top of looking and feeling huge, I feel like this baby should already be coming out of me...but in depressing reality, I actually have almost half my pregnancy to go. Ugh. And there's NOTHING they can do about these issues. Not even a chiropractor will help, except for temporary relief, because with one slight movement of me or the baby, or even the baby just growing, everything can be thrown out again. Icing myself is a good temporary relief too, but again it's temporary. As soon as I'm on my feet again, which is all the time, it's as though I never iced.

So if you see me waddling it's because every step is stiff and painful...not because I had an "accident." :)

And back to the car thing: just driving to Prescott (1.5 hours away) effects it so badly that for the whole next day I'm "feeling it" (along with numerous contractions...which hadn't started at this point with Josh either). We drove three hours to Phoenix today and right now pain shoots all throughout my back (and other areas) with every breath. Soooo...driving in our tiny, cramped, uncomfortable Saturn for hours and hours on end is something that I don't want to do.

It's also something my doctor doesn't recommend. Heck, my doctor recommends I keep my feet elevated most of the day, but I have two kids so that's impossible. Anyway, so if we can purchase a van by then, I would love it. That way, I'd have leg room to move my legs and feet when we are driving and I can shift positions by reclining, etc. So when we get back from Phoenix next week...the vehicle search begins!!

And now that I've complained, I have to plug that I really am grateful for this baby and this pregnancy. I really do have a lot to be grateful for. The baby is totally healthy so far, from what they can see, and besides the way I feel and the affect pregnancy has on my body, I have really great, smooth pregnancies. So I am definitely grateful for that, and grateful to be expanding our family with another beautiful baby boy. He is in constant movement inside of me, it seems, and I already love him so much. So, these sacrifices, minor in the grand scheme of things, are SO worth it. The pregnancy, and all the junk that goes along with it, is temporary!! (A constant reminder)

And that's all folks!

Reunited and it feels so good...

I decided I was going to get back into the routine of blogging again like I used to, not just updating bits here and there with months in between. And I figured the first step is to redo my layout and update everything else on my page that hasn't been updated in a year! Yes, I know it's early for Halloween layouts, but I love Halloween and I love Fall and I didn't have the patience to wait! Besides, the black kitty on the layout looks like the new addition to our family, Bauer. I put a picture of her on this post (it's not great, but it's the best I got at this point), because I thought it was fitting with my new layout. :)

I have to admit that part of the reason I feel the desire to spend time on my blog today is that Dave took the boys to Prescott and left me alone for the first time in FOREVER (or it feels like forever...really it's just been many months). WOO HOO! I have to say that since I never get to be at home alone, I am loving the peace, quiet, and solitude. I got to take a shower and actually get ready afterward without kids getting into all the bathroom stuff and feeling rushed, I got to prepare my lesson for church tomorrow without ANY INTERRUPTIONS, and I get to sit here and play on the computer. I thought I'd use this alone time to write or work on my query letter, but I just didn't feel like it, which is surprising.

I realized too that in my blogging absence, I haven't posted anything about my pregnancy at all! So here's a rundown: I am 21 weeks along and we found out 2 weeks ago that we are having our THIRD BOY (Due 1/11/11)! And wow...I'm not going to lie; I was holding out for that girl that I know is out there somewhere, and I was definitely a little disappointed. It's hard to explain, because I wasn't sad about the boy, or depressed by any means...I was happy about it, but at the same time disappointed, if that makes any sense. But I am really excited to have another little guy because I love my boys so much, and though I will be even more out-numbered than now (4 against 1), I have to admit I love that. I actually will love being the only chic...for now. And I love that my boys can be the Three Amigos and be close. Another big plus is that we already have all the boy stuff (even though I was looking forward to buying all the girlie stuff...)! So, yes I know there is a girl out there and I will get her some day, but right now I am so excited to meet this little guy!

He moves like CRAZY. I swear, he never stops. He moves more than either Sam or Josh moved, and I thought Sam moved a lot! My pregnancy is going well, considering. I do have pretty horrible back issues that flare up at the end of my pregnancies and, unfortunately, already started flaring up halfway through with this one. I have many other issues of pain down there, and even experience contractions quite often already, too, but really, other than being stiff and miserable most of the time (I say most because I'm trying to be positive...hehe), it's going extremely well and I can only feel blessed. So far, everything is going the way it's supposed to and everything is at the right size and in the right place. I'm just excited to get this little guy out of me and start the addition to our family!

A thing I struggle with, especially lately for some reason (probably those darned pregnancy hormones) is self-esteem because of what pregnancy does to your body...and I feel like it's just torn me apart and left me with a distorted body and flabby...well...everything. But I've been really trying to place all the expectations of society and the media aside and accept that having a baby has actually made me more beautiful. I have given live to three of God's children and what is more beautiful than that?

I tell you that nothing is. I feel so privileged and special to be blessed with these wonderful spirits and to have been able to nurture them and bond with them, that I wouldn't trade the best body in the world for this. After all, this is why we are on this earth as women, right--to bear God's children. And what a blessing it is! I don't take it for granted at all...

Not even when I'm laying lifeless on the couch because I can't move as the kids trash the house around me. It's all about sacrifice, right? My kids better thank me some day for all I go through to bring them into the world... ;)

There have been a lot of things going on around us, a lot of unfortunate circumstances with friends, or health problems with friends and family that really have us looking at life differently, and it's hard not to get down. It's hard not to ever think, "I'm done having kids after this, because why would I want to bring children into this unforgiving world???" But unfortunately, this is life, and though I question with "why does this happen to this person" a lot, there is nothing we can do about it and we will never have all the answers. All we can do is get through this life like intended, prove ourselves and strive for faith--which at a lot of times feels non-existent, I admit.

But even in all these things happening around us and to us, and through all the wavering, I do love my Heavenly Father and this gospel, and am so appreciative to Him and our Savior. I don't get it sometimes, I don't have answers, but I do have to strive to have faith and know that He is at the helm--no matter how bleak. I am SO extremely blessed, and I pray I will never lose sight of that. I have the most wonderful husband and children I could have ever asked for, a family I never before thought I deserved. We are healthy and well (for the most part) and provided for in so many ways. I am grateful everyday for the blessings we have and how fortunate we really are.

And to anyone who I might have been cold to or offended at all, I am truly sorry. I'm not always the best kind of friend and don't always have the best things to say (or even know what to say in general sometimes), but I do love you all and you each have made an impact on my life that I will never forget.