Wednesday, May 6, 2009

My Latest Downfall Rant

Well, it's been a while. I've been so busy (not with anything exciting...just with Motherhood), and when I do get a moment here or there (which isn't often lately), there are other things I need to do. Lately I have been struggling, not with anything really going on in my life, but within myself. It's hard not to get wrapped up in the emotions and feelings that just come naturally, and replace them with positive, selfless feelings. It's hard for me not to get jealous sometimes that Dave has the freedom to come and go as he pleases...even just that he can run out quickly and get something he needs, go on a joy-ride with a friend, or even just simply take a shower whenever he wants! I never realized before how much something that simple could mean! I feel like I am bound down by my children (it doesn't help that we happen to have two of the most needy kids in the world) and never have time to even get ready. I can't remember the last time I showered and got ready for the day...to MY specifications. Even when I can, I'm always rushed so I can get the crying baby fed and then get out of the house to get to wherever it is I need to go. So even when I do "get ready," I feel so yucky. It's hard not to feel bad about yourself when you look and feel YUCKY every day. It's sad when I look at a simple 10 minute trip to the grocery store by myself as one of the most liberating things! And that I would fight anyone who tried to go for me. :) (Dave offered to go while he was out last night and I almost freaked out...even though he was trying to be nice). Anyway, I just need to keep reminding myself that I haven't lost who I am in this process, because that is who and what I am - a mother. And I honestly wouldn't want to be or do anything else in life! All the things I want to do for myself can be put on the backburner because being a mom is the number one priority. That's why I am on this earth and I feel so blessed and love my children so much! I just wish that when I was feeling underappreciated and feelings of self pitty and that I need a break, I could push a button that would put everything back into prespective for me and help me think the way I am supposed to think!

"For the natural man is an enemy to God, and has been from the Fall of Adam, and will be forever and ever, unless he...becometh as a child, submissive, meek, humble, patient, full of love, willing to submit to all things which the Lord seeth fit to inflict upon him, even as a child doth submit to his father."
-Mosiah 3:19

"...When ye are in the service of your fellow beings, ye are only in the service of your God."
-Mosiah 2:17

I loved one of the talks at conference (for the life of me, I can't remember by whom) that talked about how when we put ourselves first, and indulge our desires, we are sinning, and how we need to be putting others (like our spouse, children, etc.) first. That was just the jist...it was a beautiful talk and I was grateful I heard it because of how much I need to be reminded of that! I just pray that the Lord will be understanding when I have my selfish moments and that he can help me to replace those thoughts with ones of a selfless nature!

1 comment:

2busy said...

Believe it or not, you will miss these days. I remember a mom telling me once when you are in the middle of bottles and bibs, it seems endless and often discouraging, but it is over in the blink of an eye. I look back now and wonder where it all went...