Friday, June 17, 2011

Downfall

*Post inspired by the TRDC Red Writing Hood prompt, "Physical Beauty." (Write a scene in which a physically beautiful character is somehow impacted by that trait.)


This one is difficult, only because of the content of the scene I am posting. It's another excerpt from my unpublished novel, The Exception. I thought that since both my main characters are physically beautiful, I would have oodles of scenes to choose from, but after scanning over it, it turns out there's really only one scene that displays how she is actually impacted by it.


Not only may it be an uncomfortable scene for some to read, but you will be confused by some things going on and left wondering why this villain is after her, who his uncles are, etc. So apologies for any confusion. One thing you may gather from this, and my last Red Writing Hood post, is that Sam is, in a way, Elanor's guardian. There isn't much more I can explain without giving away more of the plot than I'd like. So here it is, in just under 600 words.


(For another post about Sam and Elanor, visit my last Red Writing Hood post here.)


And feel free to critique! 




Elanor backed up as Jamie approached, his hands mysteriously behind his back.  He gave her the once-over, a glimmer of male instincts getting the best of him.  Flicking his tongue, he said, “They never told me how stunning you are.  Killing you might be difficult.”  He paused, his smile growing mischievous.  “Then again, it might make it that much more enjoyable.”
She swallowed hard, unable to remove her eyes from his.  “They?  You mean your puppet masters?”
Briefly faltering, anger flashed across his face.  “What do you know of my uncles?”
Uncles?  Is that what they told you?”
Jamie paused before smiling in enlightenment.  “What they told me is that Sam may have gotten to you.”
Elanor stopped when the edge of Sam’s bed was against her calves.  “Did they also tell you what they are?  Or that Sam will stop at nothing to see your death?”
Jamie chuckled condescendingly.  “You’ll both be dead before he even knows I’m here.”
She stayed frozen as he slowly approached, her voice wavering as she warned, “He’ll be back any minute.”
“Not if our boy Matt does his job.”  Jamie looked thoughtfully to the side as he removed a large machete from behind his back, inspecting the blade dramatically.  “I will have to thank your sorry excuse of a bodyguard for his impeccable weapon choice, though.”
Elanor’s heart skipped into a panic as a flash of her nightmare played in her mind, the only difference to now being the location.
“Get on your knees,” he calmly commanded.
She barely shook her head, still immobile from his strange, captivating draw.
Get on your knees!” he shouted, losing every ounce of his poise.
Startled, Elanor slowly did as he commanded, kneeling before him.  His figure blurred as she looked up at him in a begging manner.  “Please, Jamie,” she shakily whispered.  “You don’t have to do this.”
A corner of his heart twitched when gazing into her wide hazel eyes, her beauty strangely magnified by the moisture that glazed them.  Surely, this woman couldn’t be a threat to his family, as his uncles had told him.  He ran his fingers into her chestnut hair in a moment of hesitation, her beauty nearly hypnotizing him.  He couldn’t remember wanting someone so badly in years.
Elanor shivered as Jamie’s hand cradled her head and pushed it into his thigh.  His warn jeans smelled of gasoline and cigarette smoke.  Closing her eyes, she let the tears drop freely.  “You can walk away,” she gently cried.  “You can leave.”
He clenched his jaw, remembering another warning from his uncles.  Her beauty is a ruse, her existence an abomination.  They knew his weaknesses, knew him better than he knew himself.  They’d known the path his mind would wander.  He’d dropped his guard by letting her get to him, and now he would get to her.  “Take off your shirt,” he quietly ordered.
She stiffened, pushing away from him.
“Now.”
She shook her head in haste, her eyes pleading with him yet again.
He gripped her hair tightly, yanking her head back as he bent to her level.  “That shit isn’t going to work on me.  This plan has been in place for generations.  You think I’m going to let you throw me off?!”
“You already have,” she warily countered, closing her eyes through the burning in her scalp.  Wincing, she opened them again when his grasp tightened.  “Why prolong it?  Just kill me.  That’s what they wanted you to do, isn’t it?”


6 comments:

lori said...

So, first I want to say that I am interested. I want to know more. The story has questions I'd like to have the answers to :)

I am always hesitant to offer suggestions because I am such a novice, but I am going to try to say what I was thinking as I read because I would totally want you to do the same with me :)

I think in some areas you could trim out some words for a stronger impact. (I am working on this right now in my own stories, so it might just be heavy on mind for that reason).

For example, in this section:

“Get on your knees,” he calmly commanded.
She barely shook her head, still immobile from his strange, captivating draw.
“Get on your knees!” he shouted, losing every ounce of his poise.
Startled, Elanor slowly did as he commanded, kneeling before him. His figure blurred as she looked up at him in a begging manner. “Please, Jamie,” she shakily whispered. “You don’t have to do this.”

Because the character's voices are clear (you've done a good job of creating that in your dialog), you could leave off certain tags (or shorten them) like Jaime's ('he calmly commanded' & 'he shouted, losing every ounce of his poise') because her thoughts stand strong enough to explain and propel the story. Does that make sense?

Now, I am certainly a nobody, so feel free to completely disregard my thoughts. I think you're great, and I love visiting here. I just joined your writer blog, too :)

julie moore said...

Sounds like an interesting book. I'm not sure whether to like her or not.

Happy Hummingbird said...

Incredible.

I'm just captivated by your writing. It is incredible and I cannot wait to read more.

And I would agree with Lori, perhaps a few less words might help the reader use their imagination create more words, does that make sense?

Brittney said...

Okay... that was amazing! Now I am dying to read more! You must get that published so I can buy it and get all the questions in my head answered! You are an incredible writer!!:)

Carrie said...

now I want to know if he kills her...or will her beauty win out?

Galit Breen said...

I love the drama, the tension, the "peak."

Of course I must know more- which means your excerpt is spot on!